Saturday, March 28 | 5:49 PM PDT | A game that may require adult diapers

If you’re an Arizona Wildcats fan reading this, you already know. You don’t need anyone to explain the stomach drops, the couch-gripping, the very specific kind of silence that falls over a room when a lead evaporates. You’ve been here before, close enough to taste the Final Four, only to have it ripped away in ways that still don’t make complete sense. But this team is different, this moment is different, and you deserve a roadmap for getting through Saturday night with your dignity mostly intact. This is that roadmap.

Before the Game

Step 1: Acknowledge your emotional fragility.

Arizona just dropped 109 on Arkansas. You feel invincible. This is a trap. Purdue has corn-fed players and a fanbase powered by agricultural spite. Respect the opponent. Then immediately forget you did that.

Step 2: Build your coping station.

Assemble the following within arm’s reach: a stress ball, a throw pillow for screaming into, a beverage of your choice, and one (1) planned escape route in case things go sideways in the second half. Wildcats have evolved over the past 25 years from this being a solo mission to a full-fledged family situation. So protect your valuables, hide the remotes, and put the dogs outside because the noise level is sure to be next level.

Step 3: Wear the gear.

Full get up. Jersey, hat, that T-shirt from 1997 you haven’t washed since Miles Simon signed it despite ALL of its stains. The laundry can wait. The basketball gods respect commitment and punish cowards in regular clothes.

During the game

First Half: Stay loose.

Breaking news, Arizona will either come out cold or on fire. Either way, do not overreact to the first five minutes. Do not text anyone that “it’s over.” It is not over, in fact, with this team it is never over. It is also sometimes over, so just go with it. The point is: breathe.

When Purdue goes on a run (they will):

This is normal. Sit down. Stop pacing. Put the throw pillow over your face and make one (1) muffled noise of disgust. Resume watching.

When Arizona scores:

You are allowed to stand up, pump your fist, and say something dramatic to no one in particular. “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” is universally acceptable. Waking your neighbors is optional but spiritually justified.

At halftime:

Do not check social media. Social media will make it worse. Get a snack. Touch grass briefly. Remind yourself that this team has been through worse and came out swinging or that nothing is over until it is over.

A brief, painful, completely unneccessary history lesson

You didn’t ask for this. But your nervous system already knows it, so let’s just get it out.

Over the last 25 years, Arizona Wildcat fans have developed a very specific, very personal relationship with heartbreak at this exact stage of the tournament:

• The Illinois Game. Up 15 with four minutes left. FOUR MINUTES. You were already planning what to wear to the Final Four. You were not wearing it. Someone in the room absolutely jinxed it and you haven’t been right since.
• The UConn Game. Jamelle Horne. Wide open three. To win the game. We don’t need to finish this sentence.
• Wisconsin. Twice. Back to back. 2014 and 2015. The same team. Two years in a row. FUCK! There are therapists in Tucson who built entire practices off of this. Frank Kaminsky and Sam Dekker will forever be on your blacklist.

This is the PTSD we carry. This is the baggage we bring to every close game, every under-four timeout, every time a lead shrinks from 8 to 3 in ninety seconds.

And here’s the thing: none of it matters Saturday.

This is a different team, different players, different moment. The ghosts don’t get a vote. Leave them in the parking lot and watch the game clean.

The Final 5 Minutes

This is where the diaper metaphor becomes relevant. A few guidelines:

• If Arizona is up 10+ with under 4 minutes: You may cautiously relax. Emphasis on cautiously. This is still college basketball and the universe owes you nothing. Also you were up 15 on Illinois once. Just saying.
• If it’s a one-possession game: Stand the entire time. Sitting is giving up. Also maybe hold something sturdy.
• If Purdue ties it: Do not leave the room. Leaving the room during a tie is a jinx and deep down you already know that.
• If Arizona takes a last-second lead: Remain completely still. Do not celebrate. Do not breathe. Do not think about Jamelle Horne. Stare at the screen like you are personally defusing a bomb.

If Arizona Wins

Full send. Scream. Call someone. Text the group chat seventeen emojis and zero words. Twenty-five years of near misses, heartbreaks, and bathroom floor moments — gone. The Final Four, baby. 🐻💙❤️

IfArizona loses

Close the app. Go outside. Cry in the car if you need to, we don’t judge here. Call your therapist. Tell them another midwest team sent you.

Bear Down. Don’t Crumble. This time is different. And most importantly, BELIEVE!